New Year, New Depression? The Importance of Putting Mental Health at the Forefront in 2020

Nicholas Fogle

credit: Nicholas Fogle

“Depression is a tricky thing and every year I have to ask myself if I have it.”

I think that I have it, and then there's times I'm not sure if I do.

Do I have depression? Do you have depression? Seriously, how does one know and become aware of their depression? How does one make the distinction between well being in their body to a not so well being in their body when it’s mental and emotional. If you chopped my arm off I’ll know. I’ll feel the aching and burning and probably coldness as my blood gushes out of the limb, but is depression  like that? 

Depression and sadness are not the same, they are distinct from one another, the way depression is sadness is the same way in which sadness is to joy, one’s heavy the other light...and depression is very heavy. Oddly enough, I’m talking about this subject of depression despite suggesting not being certain of having it, however we should never take for granted the body’s ability to know things without knowing. When I ask if I have depression, I’m asking how do I know I am depressed and not stressed, or how do I know I’m depressed and not bored? How do I know I am depressed and not some other negative feeling or unwanted emotion?

I know what I feel, I know that it feels like there’s a straitjacket around my mind and I feel like my mentality and emotions are under restraints and the more I try to get this straitjacket off the more exhausted I feel and want to submit to nothingness as I lay in bed. I mean, how do I know I’m depressed? When I have a hard time getting out of bed or when I sleep for so long that I probably haven’t left my bed in two days? Is it when I run through a list of friends and family in my head and I ask myself who can I reach out to but each person receives a “NO”? Or is it when I can’t give myself something to do because my mind doesn’t want to be active or engaged with the world...neither does my body...is that the sign I need to know I’m depressed? All I know is that I have this mental straight jacket, and I have no idea where it comes from, but it’s there and I’m trying to figure it out.

Then what makes it difficult to talk about depression is the people who take it lightly and the people who treat it seriously sometimes make it hard to approach them. People who take it lightly probably haven’t experienced it or if they were able to deal with it with great coping mechanism but not everyone is going to get rid of it in a snap. Then the people who take it seriously, it maybe because society is moving to be more open to understanding mental illness and treating it as something serious, but please don’t coddle me. If I am depressed I would like for it to be treated like something normal but something serious, like eating the first meal of the day or brushing your teeth or taking a shower. Something serious enough that should be attended to but normal enough to not make me feel weak or ostracized. I can be happy and depressed, that’s what I learned through my experience...and I hope I’m not speaking for everybody, but if some people can relate that makes me happy. I can be depressed and I can feel happiness, sometimes it’s just really hard to and sometimes it’s not big, but I just need patience from those around me the same way I have to be patient with this. There are times it’s going to linger and I’m going to have a look of absence on my face, but that doesn’t mean tragedy...I’m just dealing with my depression.